Dear Meli,

I’m sorry to get so heavy, but I have a really hard one. My mother was murdered. It happened about three years ago. She was in her sixties and was killed by her boyfriend. No one saw it coming. He seemed like a really great guy, and she didn’t have a history of abusive relationships. It’s hit everyone in the family really hard. And it’s not just that I miss my mom, which I do. But I also seem to have lost my faith in humanity. How could something like this happen? Why do things like this happen? I have a spiritual practice, and before this I would always say that everything happens for a reason. But I can’t seem to find any shred of reason in this.

Destroyed by Darkness

Dearest Destroyed,

Wow. What a horrible thing to have gone through, and to be going through! I am so sorry for your loss, and for the trauma and crisis of faith it has inspired! And, seriously, how could it not?

You are correct when you say “I have a really hard one.” It’s very difficult to respond without feeling like anything I say will sound glib, trite, or unkind. So please forgive me if that’s the case.

But I say what I say here, from a place of having emerged – or, more accurately, perhaps, being someone who is ongoingly emerging – from quite a few traumatic experiences of my own. And I do understand the questions those experiences can bring.

I can only share my own present-time framing of the beauty of life. Even knowing there is loss, sadness, and humans treating one another horribly going on in the world. Sadly, I can be sure this is true right this moment, somewhere.

I have come to a place in my own thinking of such things that brings me peace. So I will share that in hopes it might bring you some good.

I believe that there is a Power in the Universe. This Power is what we are all created of. All of us! I also believe that we are all wounded along the way. Some of us in ways that are more atrocious than others. And each of us reacts – both in the short-term and long-term – very differently from one another. This difference is partly due to previous wounding, and partly personality. I mean, we truly are each totally unique.

Some of us seem to be here working out our wounding, doing what we can to heal and grow into the best versions of ourselves. We do this to the best of our abilities.  And each person’s best is very different from the next!

Others of us seem to be here just trying to figure out how to survive, to make it through life! And, honestly, I admit that I think some of us are here with wounding so deep that we wander around expressing our toxic crap on others, oblivious (or sometimes not) to the harm we’re causing others.

I certainly won’t try to explain why this might make divine sense, here. There are books on the subject.

But I will say this. My personal belief is that there is some fathomless perfection through it all. We don’t get to know what that is. Not while here, and not all at once.

The best we can do is to trust. Trust that there is some right-ness in all of this. It may not be visible on this plane. But whether it’s souls working out their karma, or random opportunities to deepen in faith and practice kindness and compassion (with ourselves as well as others), I trust that there is some reason.

How do I know that this is true? Well, honestly, I don’t. I only know that it seems to make the most sense. I understand that I believe this because it lines up nicely with everything else I believe. And I believe this because it makes me feel better about life.

It doesn’t erase the hard things. It doesn’t take away the pain. But it allows me to focus on something other than “Why?” I’ve heard that asking why is like eating candy. Zero good stuff in it, and lots of pain resulting. So I try to ask other questions. Like “What?”

What might be the best thing that could come from this, for everyone affected?

What can I do to feel better?

What can I do to help others who are in this same kind of pain?

What can I do to minimize the harm I cause others?

Or “How?”

How can I think of this in a way that will allow me to feel better about life? To go on living inspired?

How can I open to joy again?

How can I heal most fully from this trauma?

The other thing to remember, in the midst of this situation is: Of course you feel these things! Please be extremely gentle with yourself. The more loving you can be with your own sweet heart, the more fully you will be available for whatever blessing may be on the other side. Give yourself time. And kindness.

Know that the pain that comes from this kind of shock and trauma, from this kind of horrific behavior, will not go away entirely. But it will become bearable. You will even get used to it at some point. It will change. And you will have been changed by it. May the changes be a blessing, to you and others.

I wish you only the best in all things.

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with getting through tragedy? Share your comments below.

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