Dear Meli,
My wife and I have been together for over 30 years. She is my favorite person in the world. We have 3 kids together, all grown and out of the house, and now it’s just us. Even though I love her, it seems that we have gotten into a pattern of bickering. A lot. We tried couples therapy and it helped for a while, but mostly it just feels like an automatic pattern now. At least for me. Any ideas about how to change things up?
Bothered By Bickering
Dear Bothered,
I love that your wife is still your favorite person in the world after 30 years! What an incredible gift and blessing that is!
I have been working to shift my own habitual snippy reactions. What I’ve found is that what’s underneath the snippiness is a feeling of being a victim. When I am feisty in my communication, I can see that I think I’ve been told that I am wrong in some way.
Thank God for meditation! Because of meditation, I have discovered that I can notice when I start to feel snippy and stop myself from a knee-jerk defensive response. I can ask a question instead.
For instance, I might say, “Hey, Baby…I just had this reaction when you said that…assuming you’re saying this to or about me…is that true? Or what is true?”
I’ve been consciously practicing this for a few years now. What I find is that turning to curiosity instead of anger or irritation works best for me. Often, when I ask for more information – whether about what was meant or about what might have been behind it for the other person – I learn more about myself and whomever I’m speaking to.
The bottom line is that if I am feeling cranky, I am afraid. So I get to take responsibility for my own reaction and fear and check in with myself about what I’m needing in order to feel more okay.
This work is not for the wimpy. Seriously. But ultimately, “There’s no one out there.” And if you’re about to respond in a snarky manner, you just took something personally. And truly? Nothing is personal.
I don’t mean things can’t personally affect you, I just mean they’re not directly about you and only you. Even if someone is rude to you, that’s about them more than you.
And visa versa.
My ex and I had a phrase we used during our years of working with don Miguel Ruiz. We stopped saying, “When you said X, you made me feel Y.” We changed it to reflect that fact that we are responsible for our own reaction. We changed it to become, “When you said X, I made myself feel Y.” Ouch. But so true.
Having agreements with your wife can also be incredibly helpful. It doesn’t take too many inquiries to bring lasting change. You might agree that the next time you catch each other in that type of banter, you will stop and explore what’s happened within each of you. You would have to agree that you’ll stop arguing and shift into exploration and inquiry, of course. But if you both want to shift this, that should be a good place to start.
We are habitual creatures. Breaking this habit will take intention and follow-through. But with these, and real communication, you will go deeper in your love. Deeper in your love for your sweet self, as well as for your beloved. It’s well worth it!
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with bickering – or not bickering?! Share your comments below!
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Meli, this is great insight for me this day. I can say the same thing about my me and my husband. We have Begun to bicker. Not all the time, but in those moments the buttons just fly. I wanted to sit down with my spouse and address it and you’ve given me some great ideas, that I think he will understand. Thank you sisterrev.
Hi Mary Jo, Yay!!! So glad that this was helpful. Sending you – and your husband – lots of love!!! Blessings, Sisterrev Meli
Hi Melissa,
Thanks for the reminder. Interestingly, I occasionally counsel folks on this exact thing but tend to forget to take my own counsel. My wife and I are in a very happy supportive relationship. But every once in a while, I allow my buttons to get pushed by something I “thought” she said. I sulk for a little while then finally realize “I need to clear this up.” So I ask, “When you said such and such, what did you mean by that?” I should not be surprised to find out how often I was way off track and it wasn’t about me at all. If it was about me, I share with her, “When you say or do that, I feel….” I make a mental note that I need to work on that. Thankfully I have a great spiritual mentor (for the past 9 years) who will guide me right to the heart of my issue.
Love you and Z and the work you do. What a joy to see and chat with you both at Asilomar.
Hi Andy (Andre),
Thank you for taking the time to write! So happy to connect here, AND in person in Pacific Grove too!
One thing Z and I have added to our more recent communication arsenal is something I’d learned long ago and had forgotten until Brene Brown’s reminder. It’s “the story I’m telling myself is…” It works wonders for being vulnerable and getting real and honest, and almost always getting the reality check of the other person’s true communication as well.
Thank you for your loving support and the sweet shout-out AND for adding to the conversation here!
Hugs and Blessings,
Meli