Dear Meli,

One of the hardest things for me on the spiritual path is comparing myself to others. I seem to do it all the time: How I compare to others spiritually, how I compare to others in my physical fitness, how I compare to others in how much money I have. I’ve heard that “Comparison is a downpayment on suffering,” and that’s definitely true for me. But I just can’t seem to stop doing it. Do you have any methods you’ve used to reduce the pain of comparison?

Constantly Comparing

Dear Comparing,

I’m so sorry for the suffering this is creating for you! And, yes, there is a way out.

First of all, understanding the source cause can be helpful – at least for me it has been. So let’s start there.

I have met few individuals who grew up with incredible, love-reflecting parenting. I do not mean that they weren’t taught or even scolded. What I mean is that their parents, even while in the midst of guiding and directing their child, remained aware of reflecting love. Some people grew up with a clear understanding that they could make a mistake, and it didn’t mean that they were a mistake. They never feared the love running out. They grew up with a deep, unspoken (and spoken) understanding that they are perfect in the mind of the Divine, even when they make mistakes.

Does this sound impossible to you? It did to me. But then I met some of these people. To be honest, I watched them being parented. Mind Blowing stuff! And they have grown up to become mind blowing people. (Confident, comfortable in their own skin, and naturally at peace.)

So we start there. With the assumption that many of us take on, as little ones, that we are somehow wrong. Not our behaviors. But our very being.

Then we go to school, and everything else we encounter along the path of becoming domesticated into human society. Domestication is something all animals go through to learn to become the type of animal they are. It is also a Toltec term, used in the lineage in which I was trained. My definition of domestication is “the process of being taught how to be a human.”

In a traditional American classroom, we are taught how to do things by being corrected. In other words, we get consistent feedback about where we’re missing the mark. This is not how it is always done! In some schools, people learn by being prompted when they’re heading in the right direction! But in most schools, this is not the case. Indeed, negative feedback is a basic tenet of many schools. One is asked to head to the chalkboard to fill out an answer, knowing that public humiliation is a possibility.

When negative reinforcement is the rule, we start look at life through the lens of all the ways we are getting it wrong. As we do so, we start to compare ourselves to others. They seem to be more liked, and to belong in ways we don’t. And we assume it’s because they are better somehow.

We can’t forget how the media feeds into this. Because most of us, during our formative years – even before the out-of-home domestication – are being domesticated by television, YouTube, and social media. We are literally told by the media that we aren’t okay. To be okay, we need to be more like this, and that means buying their product. And that domestication never ends!

How does anyone undo all this?!

One thought and reaction at a time.

The coolest part is that you’ve already accomplished the first part! What’s that? Awareness of the conditioning! You wrote to me! You are awake about the programming. And you are aware that it causes you pain.

Are you also aware that the conditioned voice in your head telling you that you aren’t as good as others…that voice that makes you feel bad…is a liar?! I mean this straight up. It is lying to you!

The good news? This is only a problem if you believe what the liar says!

So this is Step One. It is also Step Two through a Thousand.

Notice how you feel. If you’re feeling bad, it’s almost always because of what the liar is telling you. Tune in and listen to the voice chatter away. Then question what it’s saying. Is that true? Ask yourself, like the Verizon ad guy, “Can I love me now?” Find the Truth until the answer is “Yes!”

This is the practice that will take you to freedom.

What you are seeing in others could simply be Spirit inspiring you! Or it might be simple entertainment. What I mean is that sometimes, when I feel like I wish I could do something someone else can, it’s because I want to go and learn to do that thing. More often than not, though, it is an opportunity for me to appreciate the vast uniqueness of the human family. The things people are able to do! It’s amazing! And there is no WAY I could ever do ALL of what I think is the amazing sh** people can do! But I can allow the diversity of humanity to inspire me and…well… just enjoy it.

If you notice yourself feeling less than someone else, (Ahem. Or better than!) check for those three options.

1) Is this the liar in my head? What’s the lie? What’s the Truth? (Can I love me now?) [Hint: if you are feeling toxic-bad, the answer to the first question is YES]

2) Is this my innermost self, my inner guide, telling me I want to take that on? (Learn to be more like this person in some way?)

3) Repeat steps #1 and #2 until the answer to “Can I love me now?” is a resounding “Yes!”

Do this enough times and it will change your brain! The neural pathways will stop repeating the cycle of self-abuse. And when that happens over time, you will find less and less of the comparison game going on within. You will find yourself inspired by others more. You will be more gentle and loving with yourself. Because you are a divine being! Just as you are! And that?! That is the Truth!

Practice, practice, practice. And continue to be gentle with your sweet self all along the way! (You didn’t make this sh** up, after all! It is not your fault!) And one day you’ll find yourself amazed by who you’ve become.

It’s a beautiful thing. As you are!

May this journey lead you to a new signature. As a replacement for Comparing, might I suggest: Blown-Away-By-Others-And-Me!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with comparing yourself to others? Share your comments below!

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