FB

Dear Meli,

My wife and I were married for forty long years. It was a good marriage for the first couple of decades, but the second half of our marriage was challenging. My wife had numerous challenges with her mental health, one of which was frequent outbursts of anger. The older she got, the more aggravated she became. She started to become increasingly resistant to taking her medication. She also narrowed her social circle to the point where I became the only avenue of support. I was able to reach out to friends and other family members for help, but it was definitely challenging. About a month ago, totally unexpectedly, my wife suffered a stroke and died. I am definitely grieving her death, and I am also feeling a huge amount of relief. This relief, as I’m sure you can understand, is complicated. I feel free, like I got my life back, but I also feel extremely uncomfortable with my relief. I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this.

Floundering in Freedom


Dear Floundering,

Oh, my dear. I am so sorry for your loss. And also for the confusion that can come with the complications of grief.

The first thing I want to say is, “Of course, sweetheart!” I mean, of course you would feel some relief. Having had an ongoing challenging experience and then being set free from it is going to feel wonderful. Feeling bad about feeling this relief is also totally understandable. The situation is complicated. It’s very beautiful thing that you felt comfortable enough to reach out, and to voice your experience so honestly.

Grief is strange, at its simplest! It almost always comes with a combination of feelings. Let’s face it. Relationships are complicated. So why should we expect the change in a relationship to not be complicated? But then, grief is anything but logical!

I think the biggest gift we can give to ourselves during a time of grieving is permission. By that I mean permission to feel all of the conflicting things that come with the process of grief.

Any of us who’ve watched a loved one suffer are going to feel relief when they pass. This is true whether they are suffering physically or emotionally. We can’t help but be empathic and feel their suffering to some degree. This is kind of good news. I mean, if this weren’t our experience, it would be a sign of pathological psychological issues. Connecting with people, and loving, is not for wimps.

The beautiful thing about grief is that it’s an expression of love. And here’s the tricky part: The feelings of relief are also an expression of love. I would be willing to bet on this: If you were to release all of your guilt, and just get down to your pure emotions, you would find that your relief is for her release from suffering as well as your own. This is love. Even the pure “selfish” relief that comes from the release of your challenge of living with a suffering spouse is love. Love for your sweet self. And love in all forms is to be celebrated.

Please give yourself permission to be. To be grieving. To feel the insanity of conflicting emotions. Allowing yourself to move through this is certainly what your wife would want for you. And remember: the freedom you will experience on the other side of this process will be setting her free as well. As you allow yourself to heal, giving yourself complete freedom to feel all of the crazy stuff of grief, you are releasing the years of suffering that you each had. Because love works like that.

Be kind to your sweet self. Know that it may take time. But this, too, shall pass.

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with the complications of grief? Share your comments below.

Want Sneak Peeks, Insider Info, and other Fun Stuff?! Become a member of OhMyGod Life!

 

 

Pin It on Pinterest

Share This