Dear Meli,
My wife and I were married for forty long years. It was a good marriage for the first couple of decades, but the second half of our marriage was challenging. My wife had numerous challenges with her mental health, one of which was frequent outbursts of anger. The older she got, the more aggravated she became. She started to become increasingly resistant to taking her medication. She also narrowed her social circle to the point where I became the only avenue of support. I was able to reach out to friends and other family members for help, but it was definitely challenging. About a month ago, totally unexpectedly, my wife suffered a stroke and died. I am definitely grieving her death, and I am also feeling a huge amount of relief. This relief, as I’m sure you can understand, is complicated. I feel free, like I got my life back, but I also feel extremely uncomfortable with my relief. I’m curious to hear your thoughts on this.
Floundering in Freedom
Dear Floundering,
Oh, my dear. I am so sorry for your loss. And also for the confusion that can come with the complications of grief.
The first thing I want to say is, “Of course, sweetheart!” I mean, of course you would feel some relief. Having had an ongoing challenging experience and then being set free from it is going to feel wonderful. Feeling bad about feeling this relief is also totally understandable. The situation is complicated. It’s very beautiful thing that you felt comfortable enough to reach out, and to voice your experience so honestly.
Grief is strange, at its simplest! It almost always comes with a combination of feelings. Let’s face it. Relationships are complicated. So why should we expect the change in a relationship to not be complicated? But then, grief is anything but logical!
I think the biggest gift we can give to ourselves during a time of grieving is permission. By that I mean permission to feel all of the conflicting things that come with the process of grief.
Any of us who’ve watched a loved one suffer are going to feel relief when they pass. This is true whether they are suffering physically or emotionally. We can’t help but be empathic and feel their suffering to some degree. This is kind of good news. I mean, if this weren’t our experience, it would be a sign of pathological psychological issues. Connecting with people, and loving, is not for wimps.
The beautiful thing about grief is that it’s an expression of love. And here’s the tricky part: The feelings of relief are also an expression of love. I would be willing to bet on this: If you were to release all of your guilt, and just get down to your pure emotions, you would find that your relief is for her release from suffering as well as your own. This is love. Even the pure “selfish” relief that comes from the release of your challenge of living with a suffering spouse is love. Love for your sweet self. And love in all forms is to be celebrated.
Please give yourself permission to be. To be grieving. To feel the insanity of conflicting emotions. Allowing yourself to move through this is certainly what your wife would want for you. And remember: the freedom you will experience on the other side of this process will be setting her free as well. As you allow yourself to heal, giving yourself complete freedom to feel all of the crazy stuff of grief, you are releasing the years of suffering that you each had. Because love works like that.
Be kind to your sweet self. Know that it may take time. But this, too, shall pass.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with the complications of grief? Share your comments below.
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How interesting. Relief. My father died of an aircraft accident (thankfully he was the pilot and the only one onboard) when I was a sixth grader. He was a very angry person and did not even try to understand his odd daughter. Well, I felt relief at his death. Oh, sure, some sorrow, but relief. It took me years and years to realize that emotions just come up, with no control. So I felt guilty until I had that realization. So, emotions come. up. Just accept them and let them pass.. Don’t feel guilty if you consider the emotion inappropriate. This is a tough one.
Hi Linda, That is so wise, and so true. I’m sorry that you had the experience, but grateful for your wisdom shared here. Thank you so much for chiming in! BIG Love, Melissa
8 years ago when my husband passed I lost it took in a homeless friend changed my attitude about everything. Made myself believe I was free again. Suddenly 8 years now and the grief is hitting in waves. What’s happening!!
Hi Teresa,
Grief is such a unique and tough one! The emotions will sometimes wait patiently, often totally hidden. Until their time. Or our time? Like when we’re ready to handle the waves of feelings, and process our way through. Even when “processing” just seems like withstanding.
But allowing them, and witnessing them, and loving you all the way through is the way through to the “other side.” The other side isn’t necessarily all sunshine and daisies, but we get used to things. Even grief. We learn to carry it in our pocket, and still experience great joys. If we allow it. Sounds to me like that’s what you’re doing.
Hang in there. One wave at a time. And know that you are loved. You are lovable and enough. And this too shall pass.
Big Hugs and Blessings,
Meli
Thank you for this letter and reply. I lost my husband in February after 49 years of marriage, including 5 years dealing with his decline due to Parkinson’s with dementia. The marriage had its ups and downs even before he got sick. As with your letter writer, I experienced both grief and relief when my spouse died. I appreciate your wise counsel.
Hi Cher,
BIG Blessings and love to you as you grieve the loss of your husband. What a big and important journey you have been through – and are still moving through. I’m sending you lots and lots of love as you continue to allow yourself to feel all the feelings and move through it!
BIG Love,
Melissa
I’ve worked with a lot of people experiencing grief, and quite often it’s peppered with guilt. Whether it’s survivor’s guilt, or guilt from relief that someone is no longer suffering, or guilt that we didn’t do more for that person, or spend more time with them, and that guilt often triggers more guilt. But you hit it on the head when you said to give yourself permission; permission to grieve, permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling, permission to take as long as you need or to move on tomorrow. Everyone responds a little differently, and everyone has their own feelings to feel. We should never be discouraged from feeling those feelings. Those feelings might be joy, knowing a loved one is free from pain; they might be deep sadness knowing that person won’t be at Christmas dinner again except in memory; they might be a panoply of emotions all jumbled together. People we have loved are always with us, whether they inhabit the body we knew them as or not. We never need permission to remember.
Hi Liah,
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and experience! You clearly have a rich knowledge of this area of life.
I love what you’re saying here, especially about how important it is to feel all our feelings, no matter what they are! Beautiful!
BIG Love,
Melissa
When you are obviously the least loved child and your sibs all pass early in life and you are left to totally take care and make decisions for her. When she had treated me horribly and I was relieved when she passed. She was miserable and wanted to go I told her to go on her death bed…I felt real guilty but she had deteriorated and had no life.
Hi Sandee, Thank you for your comment. I can certainly understand why you would feel relieved when she passed! That sounds challenging. Sending lots of Love!! Melissa
I went through this when my mother died of Alzheimer’s. It was very very difficult to take care of her and work full time also (pius I worked in a halfway house for developmentally impaired adults) So I was basically with deranged people 24/7
Finally my mother developed a staph infection and had to be hospitalized and it was there where she died.
She had not recognized anyone for a couple of years and was constantly running away to go “home” frankly, it was a nightmare trying to keep her safe and I really thought I was going to crazy myself.
The relief when she finally passed was overwhelming…but I did feel really guilty about that for a long time….I am absolutely and profoundly grateful to my local Alzheimer’s support group who literally saved me.
I did love my mother, I still do, but dealing alone with her (my siblings lived in other countries) was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I even considered suicide and had a plan to leave her in the local Catholic Church with a note and her belongings. I knew the priest and I knew he would make sure she was taken care of. I didn’t think I could stand one more day of it.
Fortunately Spirit had other ideas….but the guilt and relief I felt were very real.
Hi Catalina,
Thank you so much for this comment and for sharing your experience. I love that you had a support group to help you through it. What a blessing that must have been! I’m so glad that you were able to make it through and did not end up taking your own life!! It also sounds very hard and very intense. I am grateful that you made it through – and that you are able to feel all your feelings, now on the other side of it. Thank you again for sharing this.
BIG Love and Blessings,
Melissa
My wife passed in ‘08 from a rare brain disease. It was a second marriage for both of us, and we were together nearly 20 years. Her decline was a five year long process that became more challenging as time progressed. Even as she entered her final stage of life, I realized that she was no longer the person I had fallen in love with and married. Yes, I continued to love her, but that love came more from a place of what she, what we, once were. Her passing was a relief from the suffering we both experienced. In place of grief, I now carry the fond memories of all the wonderful times we experienced together.
Hi Jess,
This is beautiful. I’m so glad that you were able to move through that with such grace and understanding! Your wife was so fortunate to have such a wise and loving caregiver. And I’m so glad that you have such wonderful memories now. Thank you for this wonderful comment!
BIG Love,
Melissa