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Dear Meli,

My best friend had lung cancer five years ago. She had chemo and radiation and went into remission. Unfortunately, she recently found out that her cancer is back, is aggressive, and has gone into her bones. My friend is married and has two young children. This may sound crazy, but I feel like I’m the only one who understands the severity of the situation. My friend and her husband act like this isn’t a big deal. They’re absolutely certain that with prayer and meditation, my friend can beat her cancer like she did the first time. When I search online for information about her type of cancer, the prognosis is about a year. And yet my friend and her husband don’t have a will, a trust, or any of the documents they need in the case of her death. Not to mention preparing their children for the potential death of their mom. Should I try to make my friend understand that she’s in denial? Or is her denial what she needs right now? I’m really at a loss.

Frightened Friend


Dear Friend,

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. That’s very tough stuff!

The only part of your note that makes me want to encourage you to have any conversation with the friend and/or her husband is the lack of a will, trust, or other legal documentation. That said, assuming her husband survives her passing, all would presumably transfer to him. So maybe that negates my concerns?

In regards to all the rest, I’d suggest being deeply present with your friend, her husband, and their children. Your love is what they all need more than anything right now. As you’re listening deeply, if you hear an opening, check in with your inner knowing/intuition for whether you should say anything more.

Denial is amazing! There are situations I can see, from hindsight, when I was completely clueless in the face of clear evidence of something. I can now see value in my having been in denial when I was. I’m not saying it’s always a good thing. Just that denial serves a purpose. It allows us not to see what we aren’t prepared to see.

The medical circumstances do sound advanced. At the same time, people survive longer than the averages all the time. Who knows?

Preparing children for the loss of a parent can be a good thing, of course. And feeling prepared for the loss of someone close to us is important. But, at the same time, there really is no such thing as preparation for the loss of a dear one or parent. We can think we’re prepared! And we can be less in shock, certainly! But ultimately, it’s difficult to fully prepare.

I think children losing a parent when still young is one of the saddest things life offers. (I mean , life offers many sad things, of course. But, it’s at the top of my list,) I imagine there are entire books about the best way to help children prepare and adjust. But it’s challenging to offer a book at a time like your friends are experiencing. Maybe you could read one to support your own self?

I know there are people with whom I feel close enough that I could say anything. But this seems like territory where saying everything you’re thinking and feeling might negatively impact the relationships you have with you friend and her family.

Watching as people we love head in a direction that has red flashing warning lights they aren’t seeing? Among the hardest things in life. But sometimes allowing people to run headfirst into a wall is the most loving thing.

I’ve had people in my life who are actively addicted to substances and I don’t talk to them about their drinking or drug use. Or I may try, and then let it go when I see that they aren’t ready to hear me. It’s not the exact same thing as your friend, but similar in many ways. Honoring where they are.

I’m so sorry not to have a better answer. I know this is going to be hard no matter what. But you can send your friend and her family extra love and light. You can be there for them as much as possible – by listening to and supporting them, doing what you can to help out, and simply being there. And don’t forget to take care of your own sweet self through your grieving. This is where I suggest putting your attention.

Blessings to your sweet heart, and theirs,

Melissa

What is your experience with illness and denial? Share your comments below!

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