Dear Meli,
My best friend had lung cancer five years ago. She had chemo and radiation and went into remission. Unfortunately, she recently found out that her cancer is back, is aggressive, and has gone into her bones. My friend is married and has two young children. This may sound crazy, but I feel like I’m the only one who understands the severity of the situation. My friend and her husband act like this isn’t a big deal. They’re absolutely certain that with prayer and meditation, my friend can beat her cancer like she did the first time. When I search online for information about her type of cancer, the prognosis is about a year. And yet my friend and her husband don’t have a will, a trust, or any of the documents they need in the case of her death. Not to mention preparing their children for the potential death of their mom. Should I try to make my friend understand that she’s in denial? Or is her denial what she needs right now? I’m really at a loss.
Frightened Friend
Dear Friend,
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. That’s very tough stuff!
The only part of your note that makes me want to encourage you to have any conversation with the friend and/or her husband is the lack of a will, trust, or other legal documentation. That said, assuming her husband survives her passing, all would presumably transfer to him. So maybe that negates my concerns?
In regards to all the rest, I’d suggest being deeply present with your friend, her husband, and their children. Your love is what they all need more than anything right now. As you’re listening deeply, if you hear an opening, check in with your inner knowing/intuition for whether you should say anything more.
Denial is amazing! There are situations I can see, from hindsight, when I was completely clueless in the face of clear evidence of something. I can now see value in my having been in denial when I was. I’m not saying it’s always a good thing. Just that denial serves a purpose. It allows us not to see what we aren’t prepared to see.
The medical circumstances do sound advanced. At the same time, people survive longer than the averages all the time. Who knows?
Preparing children for the loss of a parent can be a good thing, of course. And feeling prepared for the loss of someone close to us is important. But, at the same time, there really is no such thing as preparation for the loss of a dear one or parent. We can think we’re prepared! And we can be less in shock, certainly! But ultimately, it’s difficult to fully prepare.
I think children losing a parent when still young is one of the saddest things life offers. (I mean , life offers many sad things, of course. But, it’s at the top of my list,) I imagine there are entire books about the best way to help children prepare and adjust. But it’s challenging to offer a book at a time like your friends are experiencing. Maybe you could read one to support your own self?
I know there are people with whom I feel close enough that I could say anything. But this seems like territory where saying everything you’re thinking and feeling might negatively impact the relationships you have with you friend and her family.
Watching as people we love head in a direction that has red flashing warning lights they aren’t seeing? Among the hardest things in life. But sometimes allowing people to run headfirst into a wall is the most loving thing.
I’ve had people in my life who are actively addicted to substances and I don’t talk to them about their drinking or drug use. Or I may try, and then let it go when I see that they aren’t ready to hear me. It’s not the exact same thing as your friend, but similar in many ways. Honoring where they are.
I’m so sorry not to have a better answer. I know this is going to be hard no matter what. But you can send your friend and her family extra love and light. You can be there for them as much as possible – by listening to and supporting them, doing what you can to help out, and simply being there. And don’t forget to take care of your own sweet self through your grieving. This is where I suggest putting your attention.
Blessings to your sweet heart, and theirs,
Melissa
What is your experience with illness and denial? Share your comments below!
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There’s an interesting disconnect in the story. They previously did treatment, but then the writer says they’re focused on prayer and meditation this time. Is that instead of treatment or in addition to? So is the writer concerned that they aren’t treating? Did they decide not to treat? Perhaps it’s not denial, but a change in decision making, in choices. There are worse things than death in my opinion. I am a fan of sharing with kids and loved ones. Not so much as preparation, but of sharing the experience.
Oh my goodness, Marina. Great point! I hadn’t caught this either. (Obviously…) It may well be a conversation that wasn’t had or explained fully by the time they wrote? Thank you for pointing this out…
Also, I love the sweet beauty of sharing with kids for the simple intention of sharing the experience! DUH! 😋 Awesome and so right on…even if not everyone would be up for it.
Thank you so much for this! Big Love. 💕
Sounds like they could use some support from a Palliative Care Professional.
Great suggestion, Barbara. Thank you!
As Meli knows….
My father died of cancer when I was 15. Upon his diagnosis he decided to do nothing, then tried the Simington Institute which used Meditation and group Therapy. Even at 15 it was hard to process his illness and imagine his death. My mother didn’t know how to help me through it. In his final days it was too painful for me to visit him.
Transversely, in my 20s i had a friend/coworker whose mother died of lung cáncer while the friend was a teenager. The mother never told anyone of her diagnosis and just died. The family found out later she had know of her condition.
Seeing how it affected my friend to have not had the choice to do or say what was necessary before her mom passed seems so much more painful than my choice to not see my father in his last days.
Without planning, some 30+ yrs later, I was in service to someone else on the hospice ded. That gave me great healing and closure about my dad when I was more prepared to participate, and have it serve others on the process.
Faith is an active process like that;, Trusting all will be well.
Loving self & others through the process and
Staying open to what good is available in the moment
Breathing all the feelings in, and out….
And yet some people need to “get through it” at certain time.
Now I prefer to “faith it ’till ya make it”
Blessings all ya sweet hearts on your journey.
So beautiful, Georgia!
I love “Faith it ’til ya’ make it!” as a saying, too.
Great points and so much love from you here…thank you for writing! And for ALL you do! 💕
I so agree with you, Meli. It is not up to us to intrude on someone else’s life journey, even though we may think we are doing the “right” thing. Be present, being loving and supportive is best. Whether they are in denial or not is a personal judgement on the part of the writer. Each of us has a personal choice in how we act or react to a situation. We would prefer to know that everyone can receive a miraculous healing in spite of what the medical community informs us. Maybe the miracles are happening in spite of what we think it should be — miracles of healing in relationships between husband and wife and children, for example. Each has our own lessons to learn. It is not up to us as caring, loving, praying professionals and friends to inflict our beliefs on others. Holding all in Loving Acceptance of the individuals as they walk their own path is our work. Peace, Love and Blessings to all.
Cheryl – BEAUTIFULLY put! And I so agree.
Thank you for adding this, and for all the love you bring to the world.
Twenty years ago my best friend was diagnosed with lung cancer and given 6mo to a year to live. She refused any treatment except for pain, and lived for 9 years.
My current best friend (with multiple health issues including a cancerous tumor in her upper arm) has been given an eviction notice and all she wants to do is work on sewing projects. In my experience there are some people that are so steeped in denial, that all I can do is pray for them and hold their hand if I am close enough. (My current friend is 1200 miles away so there is not much I can do except send money and food when I can.
Awww, Gail. Yes. It can be SO hard to watch those we love make decisions we know will lead them to pain and unhappiness. But it sounds like your friends are deeply blessed to have YOU to support them in the ways they’re available to be supported. Making the world a more blessed place seems to be what we can do – one blessing at a time. Thanks for adding this, and for doing all you cqan and adding your light and love to the world!
I believe trusts & wills are super important especially for single parents. Agreed that this may not be highest priority in this family. Giving them time and space and love to gradually prepare may be best.
The Giving Tree may be a helpful book for the young ones eventually. I love that most hospices have grief support for children as well as adults even if the family had no services from hospice.
Currently, my ex-sister-in-law is gradually losing her husband and, when asked, they will not consider palliative care or hospice at this time. As a retired hospice nurse, I’m experiencing my heart’s hurt because she could benefit from that support as much as or more than he would. I get to honor where they are at this time.
Often, what seems to be denial due to leaning on prayer rather than treatment or even home health services may be a decision in itself, or a request to keep people at bay for privacy as they work to create happy memories during this important, transitional family time.
Blessings on this family and their concerned friend.
Barb,
Beautiful and very helpful insights! Thank you for adding them here. I hadn’t thought about the privacy and building memorries piece of the puzzle.
I agree that the practice of honoring our peeps wherever they are is the highest practice. It can be so challenging. And yet, the greatest gift we can give, too.
Thank you for all the lives you’ve blessed in your years as a hospice nurse! I’ve only experienced amazing and beautiful blessings from hospice experiences I’ve had. What an amazing practice and gift for those in need!
Thank you so much for your loving and thoughtful reply here. Love and Light to you, Meli