Dear Meli,

I have a cousin who is very difficult for me. He is younger than me, and is the baby of his family. I’m the oldest in mine, and have looked out for him a lot of my life, especially since both of his parents died about 10 years ago. However, I’m starting to notice that my looking out for him hasn’t really helped him. He’s really dependent on me, and others, to take care of him. He’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself, but he’s gotten used to others doing it for him. He is also very committed to feeling like a victim – of everyone and everything. He’s really hard for me to be around, even on the phone. Even just a one-hour phone call can take weeks for me to recover from, energy-wise. I feel sad and guilty about it, but I’m also starting to realize that connection with him is toxic for me. Any thoughts or ideas about how best to handle this?

Cautious About Cousin

Dear Cautious,

Family relationships can be challenging. There are usually many rules within families – spoken and unspoken – on how we need to be with one another. Add to this the cultural conditioning about the “right way” to be with family. In many families, we are expected to give whenever there is an “ask” to do so, regardless of how unreasonable or demanding, without consideration for how the giving may affect us.

This is all my way of saying, “I hear you!”

But as the old song said, “The times, they are a-changin.” It is possible to be loving and kind, and say “No,” all at the same time. In the case of someone who has a learned dependency and victim-mentality, it can be the very best thing for them to hear that word! Even if they don’t know it.

I was one of those needy people. And I know that the very best thing for me was to learn to stand on my own. To learn to navigate life as an adult, handling my own life’s details. As long as others were there to bail me out, I wasn’t building the strength and resiliency – nor the self-esteem that results from self-sufficiency. It is a very powerful lesson!

There’s a saying in our woo-woo circles. “If it’s the highest and best for you, then it’s the highest and best for everyone.” This is not a saying to be taken lightly. It doesn’t mean that our selfish ego-centered desires are what we should honor. But if being there for another is harming you, it’s worth seriously reviewing whether or not it really is the best thing for them either.

My general rule of thumb in life is that “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no.” However, this rule has some exceptions, which I whip out for family situations. In those times, I ask myself – Is this one of those times when it’s the right thing to do, even if it’s not my desired choice? I do not mean “right thing” by anyone else’s standards. I mean, there are times in which sacrifice is what feels truly right to me. That said, these exceptions are generally for shorter time periods. When a relationship starts to feel chronically out of balance, even with a family member, that’s when it’s time to take a good hard look at what’s going on.

If I’m really stuck not knowing what to do in such a situation, I ask myself, How will I feel later? Down the road, looking back on the choice I made, will I have respect and admiration – or even just acceptance and understanding – for what I chose? Will I have respect and admiration not just for others, but for myself as well? I have yet to go wrong with this line of questioning.

There are always opportunities to serve where our love and energy is appreciated. I find it much more rewarding to give my limited resource of life-energy there, whenever I can. And I find that the more I am able to keep healthy boundaries, and say “No” when that is what I know is right for me, the better my life gets.

Because when we walk away from those draining and painful relationships, we often notice that the person we thought we were helping didn’t actually do anything with our help. Sometimes, people who are stuck in that kind of conditioning or story just want to have our time. And when we’re not available, they will find someone else. They’ll barely notice.

So, I suggest you do the following: Slowly step away from the victims!

Spend that valuable time and energy you’ve got on your sweet self, and others who appreciate the good you give, others who can allow themselves to be really served by it! And I bet you will find, as I have, that your life gets better and better. And it will.

Be well…

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with difficult family members? Share your comments below!

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