Dear Meli,
I had a really hard childhood. I never met my father and my mother was a drug addict who was abusive and neglectful. I lived in and out of foster homes for most of my teens. Fortunately, my life is way better now. I’m happily married and have kids of my own. I recently found out that my mother passed away. She was still an addict, living on the streets. As it turns out, I’m the next of kin, and I’ve been called upon by some of her friends to create a memorial for her. She gave me so little, I don’t feel like I owe her anything. And yet I’m saddled with this request. Any ideas about how to handle it?
Motherless Child
Dear Child,
Addiction really does suck. Doesn’t it?
I’m so saddened to hear about your painful childhood. Good for you doing the work you must have done in order to have a happy marriage and children of your own, Congratulations!
I guess addiction is the curse that keeps taking. And doing our own inner work is the gift that keeps on giving. I’m happy for you that you’re experiencing the latter now.
I certainly understand your feeling that you don’t owe your mother anything. Abuse and neglect can do that, for sure. In that way, it’s true. You owe her nothing.
The core of my answer is that you must do what is going to feel and be best for you in the long run. While you may feel no obligation to your mother now, you may feel better, later, about taking the high road on this one. There could be a gift for you in creating the memorial, if only to acknowledge that she gave you the gift of life. And, even if you don’t feel love or gratitude at the event, it may help bring some closure for you.
But I would never ever suggest that you go against what feels right and true for you! So if you check in with Spirit, your intuitive knowing, and your future you, and there’s no part of you that can imagine – under any circumstances – that you might wish you had done this, and doing it feels all kindsa’ wrong and zero – that’s your answer.
If it were me? I’d probably go ahead, if only to mitigate any potential of my conscience feeling anything but clear down the road. I’d be too concerned that some day I might feel guilty or some regret. So I would likely do it. But that’s me.
If you are going to go ahead with it, I would be sure you get yourself right with it first! Be clear with your inner child that it’s true, you owe your mother nothing. You’re not doing it for her. You are honoring the life and body she gave you, which is a huge gift, regardless of how she treated you. I’d make sure all of you is aligned with doing this for your own self. To allow further completion, perhaps. Or just to feel clean of any possible regrets. I would also make sure that you have people to talk to about your emotions and reactions as you move through the process, to honor yourself and your inner child.
I’m sorry to not have a clearer answer for you. This question is just so personal, and so intimate and tender. I believe only your innermost self knows for sure what’s best.
But I do know that your innermost self does know what’s best! Trust yourself to do the inquiry and reflection to get to the perfect answer. Trust that answer, and let go of the rest.
I send you blessings for the future of your healed and blessed journey, whatever you choose! You got yourself from that childhood to this current beautiful life! You did that! You can do anything!
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
Melissa
What is your experience with being an adult child of a neglectful or addicted parent? Share your comments below!
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Beautiful and thorough answer, Melissa. My heart goes out to the writer. I have a couple things to contribute… I hope they are so received.
First, I encourage you to acknowledge the grief. Mourning the mother that she wasn’t, could have been but wasn’t, never will be now. I’m sure there’s been grief, anger, disappointment all along the way and… it is probably now looming large and wanting to be seen and heard within you.
Then, if you decide to create the event, it doesn’t have to look any particular way. It can look like you need it to. It doesn’t need to cost a lot. It can be simple and outside of someone else’s vision. If it’s not what her friends need, they too can plan a celebration that fulfills their needs. (We did that for a friend recently and it was so satisfying and connecting.)
I love the thoughts about celebrating the woman who’s body brought you life, brought you to the planet in this exact space and time. May whatever you do… think, contemplate… bring you healing, peace and ease as you continue to walk your own glorious path.
Blessings to all.
Wow, Marina!
Beautiful! Thank you for your sweet additions!
I remember when my own mother passed. The mom she had never been was the biggest thing I noticed I was grieving.
Wise and beautiful ideas here. Thank you so much for all you are!
Add my name to the list that didn’t grow up on Walton’s mountain. I was at the bedside for the end with both parents. I’m glad I stepped up when the opportunity materialized.
Hi Peter,
I think there are lots of non-Waltons among us. How beautiful that you were able to be there with both parents at the end and that you were able to take that opportunity to be a place of love.
BIG Love,
Melissa
Yes, what an important topic that isn’t often addressed when a parent passes away. I’m grateful for all that has been shared.
One practice that has been helpful for me is to consider the childhood of the person who has been neglectful, absent, or abusive. If you know anyone who knew the person in younger years and are open to hearing stories about them, it can be insightful and helpful in understanding the whole person, rather than just the role that person played in your individual life. Of course, it doesn’t excuse or absolve what happened to you, but it can aid, and perhaps even soften, the healing process.
Hi Paula,
Thank you so much for this added insight. Yes, considering the childhood of the neglectful parent can be powerful indeed. And can definitely aid the healing process. Thank you so much for adding this!
BIG Love,
Melissa