Dear Meli,
I had a really hard childhood. I never met my father and my mother was a drug addict who was abusive and neglectful. I lived in and out of foster homes for most of my teens. Fortunately, my life is way better now. I’m happily married and have kids of my own. I recently found out that my mother passed away. She was still an addict, living on the streets. As it turns out, I’m the next of kin, and I’ve been called upon by some of her friends to create a memorial for her. She gave me so little, I don’t feel like I owe her anything. And yet I’m saddled with this request. Any ideas about how to handle it?
Motherless Child
Dear Child,
Addiction really does suck. Doesn’t it?
I’m so saddened to hear about your painful childhood. Good for you doing the work you must have done in order to have a happy marriage and children of your own, Congratulations!
I guess addiction is the curse that keeps taking. And doing our own inner work is the gift that keeps on giving. I’m happy for you that you’re experiencing the latter now.
I certainly understand your feeling that you don’t owe your mother anything. Abuse and neglect can do that, for sure. In that way, it’s true. You owe her nothing.
The core of my answer is that you must do what is going to feel and be best for you in the long run. While you may feel no obligation to your mother now, you may feel better, later, about taking the high road on this one. There could be a gift for you in creating the memorial, if only to acknowledge that she gave you the gift of life. And, even if you don’t feel love or gratitude at the event, it may help bring some closure for you.
But I would never ever suggest that you go against what feels right and true for you! So if you check in with Spirit, your intuitive knowing, and your future you, and there’s no part of you that can imagine – under any circumstances – that you might wish you had done this, and doing it feels all kindsa’ wrong and zero – that’s your answer.
If it were me? I’d probably go ahead, if only to mitigate any potential of my conscience feeling anything but clear down the road. I’d be too concerned that some day I might feel guilty or some regret. So I would likely do it. But that’s me.
If you are going to go ahead with it, I would be sure you get yourself right with it first! Be clear with your inner child that it’s true, you owe your mother nothing. You’re not doing it for her. You are honoring the life and body she gave you, which is a huge gift, regardless of how she treated you. I’d make sure all of you is aligned with doing this for your own self. To allow further completion, perhaps. Or just to feel clean of any possible regrets. I would also make sure that you have people to talk to about your emotions and reactions as you move through the process, to honor yourself and your inner child.
I’m sorry to not have a clearer answer for you. This question is just so personal, and so intimate and tender. I believe only your innermost self knows for sure what’s best.
But I do know that your innermost self does know what’s best! Trust yourself to do the inquiry and reflection to get to the perfect answer. Trust that answer, and let go of the rest.
I send you blessings for the future of your healed and blessed journey, whatever you choose! You got yourself from that childhood to this current beautiful life! You did that! You can do anything!
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
Melissa
What is your experience with being an adult child of a neglectful or addicted parent? Share your comments below!
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