Dear Meli,

My husband recently decided that he’s going to stop complaining. Not to complain, but I find this really annoying! Isn’t it healthy to express all your feelings, even negative ones? Since he started this practice, I feel stifled in what I can say around him. Do you have any tips or ideas for me?

Constant Complainer

Dear Complainer,

Please pass on my congratulations to your husband. I think the practice of not complaining is fabulous! I have found that the more successful I am at not complaining, the better I feel in life, and the better my life becomes.

That said, YES! It can feel stifling and frustrating at first! It can seem like we won’t be able to express frustration or dissatisfaction about anything. Like we’ll miss out on the moaning.
What I have found is that, when I am committed to leaving out the lamenting, I can still express my experience. It just takes creativity.

For instance, instead of saying “That movie really sucked.” I could say something specific about it, like “I noticed that the ending made me feel sad.” We can also preface a comment like that with something positive! We can always find something positive if we look for it. Even if it’s something like, “I love spending time with you and doing fun things. I like sitting next to you, and eating popcorn. That was all really fun.”

When it comes to criticizing others, what I have found is that if I share my own experience it can be less critical. For instance, we can shift away from something like, “He’s so annoying! He does that man-splaining thing constantly!” We can soften the expression with something along the lines of, “I notice that I don’t enjoy my time with him when he goes into a lecturing mode. I find that I feel unseen and like I don’t matter. It feels bad.”

The beauty of this practice is that we get to more fully take responsibility for our own experience. And in doing so, we might find something for us to shift or heal that might make us a more peaceful or happy person.

In that example, for instance, I might understand that my suffering stems from the sadness of not feeling seen. I could then explore my beliefs about not being seen, or not mattering to others. And in so doing, I might even find that I encounter people with whom I feel this less often!

To go from grumbling to exploring our experience is an immense shift. Even if it seems like semantics alone. It is much deeper. Why? Because as we explore and express in this more thoughtful way, we are vibrating at a different emotional level. We put out a different energetic signature into the world. And that shifts the entire world, from within first. As we raise our vibration, what comes back to us is lifted and lightened.

There’s another, deeper, element to this. When we are complaining, we’re saying “the world is wrong in this way.” It should be different because I don’t like it is a suffering-inducing stance. The more deeply we can allow (if not celebrate) what is, the happier we will be in the world, just as it is!

It may be that if you try this practice with your husband, you might find all kinds of benefits and values you never had dreamed of! You just might end up with a greater sense of peace and joy. Worth a shot, I’d say. Even if it’s only to connect more fully with your sweetheart by sharing in a practice and experience. It can be really fun to un-whine together.

I hope these thoughts and examples help. If they don’t inspire you to join in the challenge, perhaps you could even just take on the idea of celebrating that you can be sure your husband is not complaining about you any more!

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,
Melissa

What is your experience with complaining – or not complaining? Share your comments below!

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