If you’re a good spiritual person, you’re supposed to tell the whole truth all the time, right?

Wrong!

Totally wrong!

There are times when telling the whole truth is not a healthy – or spiritual – choice.

I had my mind blown on this particular topic a few years back. I read an article by Martha Beck in which she talked about when it’s good to tell the truth, and when it’s not.

To illustrate her point, she described a target with circles inside of circles. In the center of the target, the bull’s-eye, is you. The next circle out is your closest peeps. The next circle out is your acquaintances. The next circle is strangers. And the final circle is, as she describes it, for “psychotic dictators” – i.e. folks you want nothing to do with.

When I think about this target, I think of it as circles of intimacy. You’re most intimate with yourself, then your closest peeps, then acquaintances, etc.

(If you’re intimate with psychotic dictators, then that’s a problem.)

But the circle of intimacy can help!

Because the circles aren’t just correlated with how connected and cozy you are with someone, they’re also connected with how honest you should be with those people.

The smaller the circle, the more honest you need to be.

This starts with yourself – the inner bulls-eye.

Being rigorously honest with yourself is a hallmark of healthy living. It’s a hallmark of spiritual practice. It’s a hallmark of all hallmarks that have ever existed everywhere.

Also, Beck doesn’t include this, but I would also put Spirit in the bulls-eye inner circle.

The more honest we are with Spirit, the more we’re going to grow spiritually. The more we grow spiritually, the happier we’re going to be.

Like with lying to ourselves, lying to Spirit doesn’t help anyone. And besides, Spirit knows our truth anyhow.

We may as well come clean.

The next circle, your closest peeps, are also folks with whom you pretty much always want to be honest.

Yes, there are some exceptions to this. Like when you’re throwing a surprise party for your best friend and you tell some white lies to keep it a secret. But, for the most part, the more open and honest you are with your inner circle, the richer those relationships are going to be.

The next circle is acquaintances.

When you run into Betty, your former boss’s sister you met at a Christmas party three years ago, in line at the bank and she asks how you are, are you going to tell her the honest truth?

Probably not.

You’re going to say “I’m fine.” Yes, that might not be totally true, but you don’t have the level of intimacy with Betty to tell her you’re feeling sexually unfulfilled and you and your partner just started couples counseling. You certainly could share that with Betty, but there’s a word for that.

It’s called Oversharing.  

Now, if you really like Betty and you want to build a deeper connection with her, you might choose to tell her a little bit of the truth. Like: “Everything’s going really well for the most part. Work is great. I’m healthy. My partner and I are going through a rough patch right now, though.”

Telling the truth always moves someone closer in on the intimacy circle. Choosing to reveal a little bit more of your truth to Betty is the first step in potentially deepening that relationship. If Betty matches your truth telling with some of her own, that’s a sign that she’s also potentially interested in strengthening your connection.

That said, most of the time our acquaintances are in exactly the right place on our intimacy circle, and telling them a cursory version of the truth is totally appropriate.

Next circle is strangers.

The rules for strangers are similar to acquaintances. If we want to deepen the connection, we reveal a more-than-acquaintance-level truth. If we don’t want to deepen the connection, we don’t. Easy as that!

Finally, there’s the circle of psychotic dictators.

These are people you want nowhere near you. Indeed, these are folks that may be actively threatening you or those you love. (If you do want that in your life, you might want to get some professional help. And I’m saying that in all honesty!)

Psychotic dictators are folks that it’s not only okay to lie to, it’s often recommended.

Beck points out that lies create distance and destroy connections.

Do you want to create distance from dangerous psychopaths? Do you want to destroy any and all connection to them?

Lie away! Do it freely and vigorously!

I like to remember these circles of intimacy when someone who is in my acquaintance circle is asking me for a deeper connection. Those are the times when I won’t match their truth telling with my own.

Those are the times when they ask me how I’m doing and I say I’m fine. Even if I’m not-at-all-fine in that particular moment. Telling them all the deets about my not-at-all-fineness would be a level of honesty that belongs in the inner peeps circle, and I’m not wanting them in that circle!

My awareness of these circles of intimacy has strengthened my bonds with myself and my close peeps. It’s relieved my guilt about my less-than-strong bonds with acquaintances and strangers. And it’s kept me away from psychotic dictators.

Which, quite honestly, is never a bad thing.   

What’s your experience with the circles of intimacy? Share your comments below!

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