Dear Meli,
I recently started dating a wonderful woman. I’d been in the dating pool for a few years since my wife died, and I didn’t find anyone I really connected with. Until now. There’s just one thing. My new sweetheart is an atheist. She doesn’t believe in any kind of spirituality. My spiritual practice is really important to me, and she doesn’t mind that. And we get along really well in every other way. But I’m not sure how I feel about having a partner who doesn’t share some kind of belief in a Higher Power. Do you have any thoughts about this?
Compatible But Confused
Dear Compatible,
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. And I celebrate the new love in your life! Good for you for remaining open to the possibility of loving again, so that you could find your new person.
In response to your query, I’m tempted to say, “Some of my best friends are atheists.” Only because the moment seems to invite it. But, in all honesty, that’s not true. Most of my close friends believe deeply. However, they don’t all believe the same things I do! And I do have some friends in my life, whom I thoroughly cherish, who don’t believe in anything spiritual.
I do appreciate knowing that my spiritual temperament is honored by my peeps. And I very much appreciate being able to share in conversations about spiritual things, when that’s welcome and beneficial. But I’ve had some fabulous times with my friends who call themselves atheists. They’re kind, loving, smart, funny, wise people with whom we share great conversation and interests.
Love is love, after all. And sometimes, love wins over all else. And that is that. Only you know if that is the case in this situation. Because there are likely people for whom this wouldn’t feel workable, even in the face of great love.
If I were in your situation, I might ask myself the following questions:
1) Does this person honor and support my need for spiritual time, and practices?
2) Do they show interest in my spiritual experiences or beliefs? (Not because they join me in them, but because they care to know and understand what I care about.)
3) Do they in any way criticize or demean my experiences or beliefs?
4) Does the difference in our beliefs ever cause a rift in understanding or communication in other areas? If so, can those misunderstandings be resolved?
And perhaps the most important question of all:
5) After I spend time with this person, do I generally walk away feeling joy? Or do I carry away the conflict of this difference between us?
I’ve met some couples through the years who are extremely different in some of their beliefs, be they spiritual or political, who remain passionately in love after decades of life together. That said, I know folks who simply need to share particular beliefs in order to feel at peace in their relationship.
Whatever you decide, I wish you great love and joy.
Blessings and Love to you in all you do!
In Joy,
Melissa
What is your experience with atheist friends and loved ones? Share your comments below!
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If I may….
I thought I would only be able to have a fulfilling romance with someone who believes in the positive nature of the Universe. But then I met someone who has an open mind even after a contemptuous Catholic upbringing.
Right away I sent him my first CSL talk in Napa, on Love…. Luckily, he fell in love with me & my spiritual community and is open to positive vibes.
I used to consider myself an Atheist but found faith is so much better…and now I as a Ministerial Intern and I get to decide what, who, how that shows up.
It helps me to explore my beliefs to discuss with him and he even forgives me for not entertaining his negative beliefs sometimes ;D
Love may find the way if you nurture it and respect each other as loving teachers.
Ya know it is a thin line between believing in nothing and believing in everything! Blessed be!
Hi Georgia,
Yay for you and your relationship and positive vibes. I love this!
And I love that you are able to share and explore together, respecting each other in the process.
LOL – I love the thin line. SO true!
BIG Love,
Melissa
I have been with my handfast partner for 24 years. I’m a practitioner and he feels strongly that there is nothing beyond material reality, that life is finite, and that there can be no good reason for designating anything as “spiritual.” But he doesn’t attack my beliefs, (especially since he recognizes that you can’t prove nonexistence!) and doesn’t object to my studies and practices—even when I spend household funds on them. I happen to believe that my more optimistic energy in the house is useful to both of us. Is respectful enough not to push spirituality at him, though if we get into a philosophical riff, I will sometimes go, “well, the way we look at it is…” The funny thing is, when we met, we were both Witches, and in a lot of ways, I still am. We live in peace and are grateful to be together.
Hi Les,
Thank you so much for sharing. This is wonderful. It sounds as though you have a loving relationship built on immense respect for each other. What a wonderful thing!
Sending you lots of LOVE!
Melissa
My mom was an Irish Catholic, my dad an atheistic or agnostic research scientist. They seemed to make their marriage work & their parenting of the 8 of us although Dad’s status was the unspoken topic.
When I was 17 and dating both a Catholic and a Protestant, Mom said to me alone in the laundry room, “You may want to marry someone of your same faith. Otherwise, everything else has to go perfectly.”
I married a fellow active in my same faith who became inactive and questioning within one year.
Many of us change and grow over time. I am happily single and spiritually nourished by the concepts of Science of Mind.
Hi Barbara,
That’s an interesting comment by your mom. Maybe more about her than you? And, as you say, making that choice doesn’t mean that both partners stay the same!
I’m so happy to hear that you are happy and spiritually nourished now. That’s wonderful. Yay for THAT!
BIG Love,
Melissa
I have had both kinds of relationships . But the one I have with my husband of 27 yrs, who I met in church, is by far the best. It is a deeper and more intimate relationship than any of the others. There is something really special about having God in the relationship too.
Hi Gail,
That sounds like a wonderful relationship! Congratulations on 27 years. What a blessing!
BIG Love,
Melissa