Setting boundaries is both really hard and really easy.

If you’re not used to setting boundaries, they’re really hard.

You try to set them, then feel guilty, then change your mind, then unset them.

Which only makes it even harder to set them next time.

On the other hand, once you get the hang of setting boundaries, they become as natural as breathing.

Breathe in, set a boundary. Breathe out, set a boundary. No problem!

In my years of learning to set boundaries, I’ve noticed five distinct steps to becoming a Boundary Master.

Let’s review them now, shall we?

Step One: Clueless and Confused

In this step, you have no idea you need to set boundaries. As a result, your life is complete mess.

You don’t speak up for yourself when you need to.

People take advantage of you and you don’t stop them.

You overextend yourself and feel resentful, but tell yourself you shouldn’t feel resentful, which only makes you feel more resentful. But because you’re telling yourself you shouldn’t feel that way, you stuff the resentment even deeper.

Then you go eat a tub of ice cream.

Step Two: Powerless and Pissed

In this step, you start to wake up.

You start to notice that your life is void of boundaries but you still have no clue how to set them.

You may feel resentful of people who do set boundaries, calling them selfish and entitled.

Yet you secretly wish you could do the same.

Every time you find yourself unable to set a boundary, you feel powerless.

And pissed.

Step Three: Sucking and Suffering

In this step, you try to set boundaries.

You tell people “No.”

Then you give into pressure and say “Yes.”

You say, “I can’t do that.”

And then you do it. And kick yourself for doing it. Which doesn’t help at all. So you kick yourself some more.

You promise yourself that this time you’ll keep your word and follow through on boundary setting, but you don’t. You feel like you can’t.

You totally suck at setting boundaries.

Step Four: Gutted with Guilt

This is arguably the hardest step.

At this point, you actually start to have some success at setting boundaries.

But – and this is a big but – you feel totally and completely guilty about setting them.

After successfully setting a boundary, your internal dialogue goes something like this:

I shouldn’t have set that boundary. I’m such a horrible person. I’m selfish and mean. They must hate me. And rightfully so. Setting boundaries is sooooo much harder than I thought it would be. Is it even worth it? I’m not sure it is. I think it was easier not to set a boundary at all. This SUCKS!!!!!

This step of boundary setting feels like torture at times.

And yet, you are only one step away from becoming a Boundary Master.

In other words, this is a step you absolutely must move through in order to achieve liberation and change your life for the better.

Don’t stop here!

Step Five: Boundary Master

In this step, you set boundaries.

Just like that.

Yes, you may still feel tiny pangs of guilt left over from the last step, but for the most part, you’re good.

People try to take advantage of you and you don’t let them.

You speak up for yourself easily and often.

When someone asks you to do something you don’t want to, you say “No.”

You rarely overextend yourself, and when you do, it is with complete awareness of what you’re doing.

You. Are. A. Boundary. Master.

Even when you achieve this level of mastery, you may still find yourself struggling to set boundaries in some areas.

You may master boundary setting with friends but still have a hard time with family.

You may be a Boundary Master with your partner, but still suck at setting boundaries with your boss.

The good news is, boundary mastery in one area makes you more likely to achieve boundary mastery in all areas.

Awareness of the five steps can also help, as you can see where you are and where you need to go.

So whether you’re Clueless and Confused, or Gutted with Guilt, hang in there!

It gets better. Lots better.   

With persistence and perseverance, you too can be a Boundary Master!

What’s your experience in setting boundaries? Share your comments below!