Dear Meli,

A few years ago, I had an incident with a friend. The incident is so embarrassing to me, I can’t even tell you what happened. My friend and I are good now, but I can’t let go of my embarrassment. I’ve tried meditation. I’ve tried release work. I’ve tried everything I can think of, and the embarrassment is still with me. I think it’s safe to say that it haunts me. Do you have any suggestions? Help!

Enormously Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed,

I’m so sorry to hear about this experience! Sadly, I can relate.

Which is why I knew just who to look to for more information on this: Brene (Total Real-Life Super-Hero) Brown!

Here’s what she says about embarrassment:

Embarrassment is a feeling of discomfort that often doesn’t last very long. What differentiates embarrassment from shame is that when we do something embarrassing, we know we’re not the only ones who have done that thing. Shame makes us feel completely alone. When we do something embarrassing, it can even be funny shortly after the moment has passed. 

Why did I turn to her for this? Because I remembered that she differentiates between embarrassment and shame by noting how long the feeling lasts. The fact that you can’t shake the feeling points to something else. It points to shame.

I agree with Brene Brown. In my own experience, when I’ve had a feeling of embarrassment (or guilt or humiliation) that I can’t shake no matter what I try, what I’m actually feeling is shame. What I know then is that my mind is using the experience as evidence that I suck. On an intrinsic, deep and complete level, I feel myself to be unworthy and bad. And what I’ve done is just proof. That is shame.

The good news about this is that this means there is healing that can be done! It just might not be direct. In other words, letting go of the feelings surrounding that very incident is unlikely to be helpful. I need to go back to the root stuff, shame. Because the feeling of shame is not from the present situation.

This is actually good news!

Because I’ve done so much work around my own beliefs and feelings about shame that the minute I realize that’s what I’m feeling, I know:

I.

Am.

Believing.

A.

LIE!

The great news with that information is that I know where to look. What is the lie I’m telling myself, and believing?

This allows me to search for the source of the belief. At what point in my life did I start to use that story, for it is indeed only a story (and not a truth at all!) about myself? Now I can look for the Truth of what was going on in that original situation. (Hint: It was not your fault at all! And what you decided about yourself then, as a result, is Not True!) What was the reality of things then? (Hint: Stuff just happened and you were caught in the midst. Often the stuff that happened was due to the actions of deeply wounded people. Nothing to do with you!)

For me, I find that naming the feeling correctly can turn the experience around massively! I’m hoping this helps you, too.

For now, I wish you peace. Freedom from shame! And feelings of embarrassment!

Blessings and Love to you in all you do!

In Joy,

Melissa

What is your experience with shame and embarrassment? Share your comments below!

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