Back when I was in psychology grad school, we were taught that when a couple is having the same fight again and again – over how to load the dishwasher properly, for example – the fight was merely a decoy. A cover for something deeper.
As a therapist, it was our job to uncover the deeper issue underneath the dishes, or the tube of toothpaste, or whatever “trivial” issue the couple was fighting about.
Turns out, that’s not true.
And if you wonder why I’m speaking with such definite authority, it’s because I’m borrowing from two people who actually know what they’re talking about.
I’ve talked about the Gottmans once before, in a post about taming the four horsemen of relationship apocalypse.
The Gottmans have been studying relationships for 50 years, so they know what they’re talking about. They’re also married to each other. So they bring loads of personal experience into the wisdom they share.
The latest Gottman truth bomb to blast into my life concerns the aforementioned couple’s fight.
Like I said, my psychology studies taught me to dig in and find the “real” issue underneath the “surface” of the fight.
And while digging deeper certainly has its merits, the Gottmans point out that a majority of all relationship conflicts are perpetual. In other words, they happen again and again and again. And again. With no resolution.
Yikes! That’s not very encouraging.
But what is encouraging is what the Gottmans say about perpetual fights.
They say it’s not about solving the fight. It’s not about one person winning.
It’s about compromise.
The couple needs to work together to find a compromise. A place in the middle that can work for each person.
A couple is two people, after all. Meaning two separate individuals with different preferences, tastes, and ideas about how things should be done. Of course there’s going to be places where they don’t agree.
Learning how to compromise allows you to live in harmony with another person. Or, at least, more harmony than bickering constantly about how to load the dishwasher. (Which you don’t even need to argue about, because there’s clearly a correct answer. You load it with all the dishes going the same way, for maximum efficiency and cleanliness. Plastic on the top shelf. It’s just facts.)
In Melissa’s and my case, a big area of compromise for us has been our schedules.
I’m a morning person.
I zip out of bed with the energy and excitement of a Disney princess, chatting and singing and tra-la-la-ing my way through my morning.
Melissa is not that.
She is the opposite of everything about that.
The only thing Disney princess about Melissa’s mornings is the part in the movie where the princess eats the apple that makes her pass out. She is groggy and lethargic and needs time to get to tra-la-la level.
When it comes to working together, we’ve needed to find a compromise that works with our differing energy levels. Over time, we’ve landed on a schedule that works.
I wake up and tra-la-la my way into several hours of productivity.
Meanwhile, Melissa eases out of bed and into her morning.
After I’m done with my first stint of work, and Melissa is willing to talk to me, we go for a nice hike in the woods. We talk out our day and do our gratitude practice.
After lunch, we have a few key hours of overlap. I’ve still got energy and Melissa is revving up.
By early evening, I’m done. I meditate, read, and generally wind down from my day.
Melissa, meanwhile, gets in a few more hours of super productive work.
And Voila! A schedule that works for both of us. A schedule that doesn’t expect us to be the same person with the same needs and preferences.
But, and this is an important but, we didn’t start out that way.
We started out not understanding why the other person couldn’t work like we do. We started out thinking that if we were working together, we should do everything together.
It took time, and talking it out, to find something that could work for both of us.
The Gottmans suggest asking your partner questions in order to understand their position better. As they say it, “Don’t fight to win. Fight to understand.”
From that place of understanding, you’re better able to come to a compromise that can truly work for both parties.
But what about what I was taught in school concerning the deeper issues beneath the conflicts? Was that totally off base?
Not totally.
When a couple can’t stop fighting about something, there is something deeper underneath the fight.
The deeper thing is a need for greater connection.
You can’t get to a resolution of the fight without listening to each other. Seeing each other for the separate individuals you are. And respecting each other’s differences.
That’s what allows this Disney Princess to work and cohabitate with a Disney Not Princess.
Tra-la-la indeed!
What about you? Have you had a perpetual fight with someone? What happened? Were you able to resolve it? Share your comments below!
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