I’m a lifelong learner, so no matter how completely and horribly crappy something turns out, I’m always looking for the lesson to be learned from it.

Take friendships, for example.

I’ve got all kinds of friends in my life – those I’ve known for decades and those I’ve known for months. Those with whom I agree all of the time and those with whom I agree some of the time.

And then there’s that other category of friend. Those folks who used to be my friend. This category of friend, although not active in my life anymore, has often provided me with a rich lesson or three. Something I gleaned from the circumstances that altered the relationship from Friend to Not Friend.

This was the case with my friendship with Martina.

Martina and I met in school. When we first met, we couldn’t believe how much we had in common. It was uncanny. Our commonalities led to a quick and fast friendship.

Looking back on it, the speed with which we bonded was one of the factors in my overlooking some key components that were completely and horribly crappy less than ideal.

My awareness of these components first came to the fore a few months into our friendship. Martina and I were having dinner together after class. I had some strong opinions about the teacher of our class and was sharing them with Martina. Except I didn’t really get to share them with Martina because she kept changing the subject back to herself. Everything I shared somehow ended up being about her.

This was my first lightbulb moment.

From that point on, I started to notice how often Martina talked about herself. And how little she asked about me.

How could I have missed this crucial observation?

Probably because I had placed Martina on a pedestal. Even though we had a lot in common, Martina – at least, at first – seemed to be more advanced in many of our areas of commonality. She was further along the career path than I was. She was making more money. Even her spiritual practice seemed deeper and more advanced than mine.

But after my lightbulb moment, I began to question her pedestal placement. Had she truly earned her position there? Or had I placed her there because she was continually pointing out how advanced she was?

More and more, I began to suspect it was the latter.

I also started to notice how good she was at taking care of herself. She would end our conversations after she’d finished talking about her concerns. She would leave events as soon as they no longer interested her. She would cancel plans if something more interesting came along.

As annoying as all of her me-first behaviors came to be, I was also able to glean a very important piece of information from them.

I needed to do the same thing. With her!

I began to decline her invitations to hang out. I stopped sitting next to her in class. I focused on other friendships that were more nurturing.

It didn’t take long for Martina to get the message.

We went from friends, to acquaintances, to rarely seeing each other.

If you’re wondering why I didn’t confront Martina directly about her behavior, it’s because I didn’t really see the point. Hashing things out is something I do with friends who are interested in me and my feelings and opinions. Martina, I had learned, was not in that category.

But she did teach me a valuable lesson.

Before I met Martina, I used to always put others needs before mine. Indeed, my deference was one of the reasons my friendship with her was a fit, at the beginning.

But, thanks to her, I learned to put my needs first. I still take others needs into account. But I don’t discount my own anymore.

Even though Martina’s version of taking care of herself isn’t one I want to replicate whole heartedly, there are aspects of her me-first approach that have proved quite valuable.

I now know that it’s okay to remove myself from people and situations that don’t feel good. It’s okay to prioritize my needs and feelings.

Whenever I feel bad about doing these things, I think of Martina and how easy it was for her. As I said, I don’t want to replicate all of her behaviors. But borrowing her confidence in this one specific area has proven to be amazingly effective.

What have you learned from your friends – or former friends? Share your comments below!

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