When I was a kid, I knew I was going into theater.
I say knew, as opposed to dreamed about, because I was given a vision showing me exactly what was coming.
It happened when I was seven years old. I was standing in my parent’s bedroom. Suddenly, in my mind’s eye, I saw myself on stage. I was outside with a large audience in front of me. There was a feeling of anticipation. The audience was waiting for me to speak. I had the sense that others were onstage with me, but I couldn’t see them.
At the time, in my seven-year-old mind, I interpreted this vision in a seven-year-old fashion:
I’m going to be on stage. And I’m going to be famous.
After the vision, every opportunity that came for me to be on stage, I took.
Not surprisingly, I loved the theater. I loved acting. It came easily and effortlessly to me.
In seventh and eighth grades, I was the star of the school play. After one of those performances, the parent of one of my classmates came up to me and said, quite emphatically, that I should go into theater. That it was my life’s work.
I can’t remember how I reacted. I probably just nodded.
But it confirmed the vision I’d been given several years prior.
And then came the obstacles.
It started when I auditioned for a play in high school.
Not only did I not get the lead, as I was accustomed to, I didn’t even get cast.
Almost everyone who auditioned got some part in the play, even just as a non-speaking walk-on.
Not me.
To this day, I’m not sure what happened there. My only theory, in hindsight, is that I suspect the theater director was a trans woman who was not out as a trans woman. Maybe she saw a kindred spirit in me and was scared I’d out her? Or my presence posed some other kind of threat or annoyance? Or maybe it had nothing to do with that at all.
Bottom line, I have no idea what happened there. But it was enough to discourage me from trying out for that director again.
I did do some theater in summer camp during my high school years, but something had shifted.
In college, I signed up for an acting class, but I didn’t go. I can still remember the first day of that class, standing in the parking lot outside the classroom building, deciding whether or not to go in.
Something was telling me not to go. Something was blocking the path forward.
So I dropped the class.
Over the years, I would think of the vision given to me at age seven and wonder what it was about. As time went on, I thought about it less and less.
The path back to the vision started during a skit at a spiritual retreat.
A bunch of my friends and I were lip-syncing to the song “I Kissed a Girl.” In this case, all my friends were “girls” and I was the “boy.” Something ignited in me when I got in front of the audience. I danced. I played. I clowned around.
After the skit, a friend who had been in the audience said, “I had no idea you were such a ham.”
Yup. That’s me.
A gender-rich ham.
After that skit, other opportunities to be on stage came my way. Little by little, I found myself back in alignment with that early vision.
For so long, I hadn’t been able to make sense of why the vision hadn’t manifested. But now it started to make sense.
I was blocked from pursuing theater in my teens and early twenties because that wasn’t the way I was supposed to go about it.
In my early twenties, I discovered the spiritual path. That became my passion. My focus.
By the time I came back to the stage, it was in the context of spirituality.
Now everything makes sense. It all fits together. But for the longest time, it felt as though something had gone wrong.
Sometimes disruption of the plan is the plan.
It’s hard to see this when you’re in the middle of it. Or if the disruption involves rejection, as it did for me.
But trusting the way forward, and trusting that Spirit will guide you, is the best way to make it through.
You may not end up on stage, as I did, but you’ll end up exactly where you’re supposed to be.
And nothing feels better than that.
When has disruption of your plan been the plan? Share your comments below!
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After retiring from 38 years of teaching, I began subbing for 7 years. After the incident at Robb Elementary, I just couldn’t go back. So now what? Minding my own business, I got a call to teach at the University in a new program for disabled young adults. It became the best job of my life. After two quarters, I was let go. So now what? Stay tuned!
Hi Gary,
I love that you are staying open to all the possibiities! Yay you!!!
BIG Love,
Z
Thank you for sharing your story, Z. You inspire me!
Hi Maureen,
Thank you so much!
XOZ
Hi Z,
I love your stories. They are such an inspiration. Thank you for sharing.
Love, Pegatha*
Hi Pegatha!
Thank you so much!
XOZ
I have obsessed over my problem skin for most of my 60+ year life, forever blaming myself for being “bad, broken, unworthy, and unlovable” because I wasn’t “perfect.” Just this past year I learned that I’ve been suffering from the disorder known as dermatillomania for over fifty years. At the beginning of 2023 I found a non-profit organization that helps people like me, and, “Oh my God!,” suddenly I’m aware that I’m not alone! I immediately joined their bi-weekly support group.
My skin issues have kept me from pursuing my dream of being a motivational speaker because I always felt that I would be judged for the condition of my skin. But now that I know that 2-5% of the population suffers from dermatillomania, I have just found my audience. I don’t even have to wait to “get better” before I start on this path because I may never get better, but that’s OK. I am certain that I needed this life’s experience so that I could learn to love myself unconditionally. And as I gradually learn to love myself WITH my disorder, not in spite of it, I believe more than ever that somehow, some way, my willingness to talk about it will support others on their own journey to unconditional self-love.
Hi Karen,
Wow! I am so grateful that you found a community of people who understand and support you in what you’re going through. And what a wonderful gift you can now share with them – YOU! Thank you so much for sharing this!
XOZ
When I encounter Disruption / interruption I remind myself that good is always coming sometime it just takes a while although not on my time line it always presents itself.
Hi Gaelen,
Yes, so true. Thank you!
XOZ
My big dream was to have an epic, story-book romance that made my previous challenges all disappear. (Kind of like Cinderella, come to think of it). But every romantic relationship on my path was more disappointing than the last, which sent me on a hero’s journey of finding myself, finding my self worth, finding Spirit, and (pretty much) healing the part of me that was convinced I needed to be saved by a prince! It also led me to become a relationship therapist (“Doctor, heal thyself,” right?) which has been the most meaningful and purposeful career I could have ever imagined. I’m still patiently waiting for an amazing relationship, but it’s all okay. I already have everything I need.
Hi Jill,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know that many of us can relate! 🙂 I am grateful that you are now able to uplift and heal so many others because of the gifts and blessings of your own journey. Yay! Thank you for sharing this.
XOZ
When I was in college, I wanted to be a pilot. I signed up for ROTC. To stay in the program, I signed up for a scholarship as a navigator because I was promised after the summer, we could upgrade to a pilot scholarship. I was lied to and ended up spending 6 years as a navigator trying to get to pilot school. After a long struggle I made it and it wasn’t until after graduation that I realized that had I gone directly to pilot school I would have failed and never become a pilot. It was so much harder than I ever imagined but the 6 years of struggle gave me the tools to pass, and I spent the rest of my career as a pilot. I was on the right track but didn’t know it.
Hi Laura,
I LOVE this. Thank you so much for sharing your experience and the perspective you now have. Wow!
XOZ
Great story….I’m so glad you did what you did! Amd especially these days, we really need people like you to help those who are having trouble either accepting or being accepted. Please keep on keeping on!
Hi Catalina,
Thank you! And thanks for your comment!
BIG Love,
Z