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My Guru Has a Tail, Episode 12: The Sex Scandal

blog.cat saying oh my

Everyone who knows anything about Gurus knows that they tend to get snagged by three things.

Sex.

Money.

Power.

Our Guru Max is totally uninterested in money. We tried giving him a credit card, but the lack of opposable thumbs made it difficult to use.

blog.kiltty card

He’s not jonesing for power either. As long as he has his basic needs – food, water, shelter, affection – he’s good.

But sex?

That’s a different matter.

When we first started worshipping the Guru and invited him to live with us, we thought that he, like many Gurus, was celibate.

And he was.

At first.

I should mention here that the Guru is, to use the popular euphemism, “fixed.”

He is unable to create little Gurus through his reproductive organs.

We figured that this, in combination with his saintly ways, would make him uninterested in carnal matters.

That’s where we were wrong.

We first noticed his new hobby in a rather dramatic way.

It was nighttime. The Guru tends to bless us with his presence for the entire night, and this particular night was no exception.

blog.cat ready for bed with talking

The only difference was that, as soon as we turned off the light, the Guru bit me, his loyal follower, on the chin.

He then proceeded to yowl in an interesting and somewhat disturbing way.

His pupils were dilated.

Was the Guru experiencing the Rapture?

Was he about to be carted off to ethereal realms to cavort with the Angels?

Or was he just batshit crazy a little off?

The Guru registered our alarm at his behavior and this, in conjunction with a spritz from a bottle of water, encouraged him to cease and desist such behavior from that point forward.

He did, however, begin to channel his new proclivities in a different way.

You know how cats knead on soft objects, a behavior that is reminiscent of kittens kneading on their mother’s breasts? You know how they often get a faraway look in their eyes as they do this, as it seems to calm them?

Well, our Guru likes to knead on soft objects in order to – let’s see, how should I say this?

In order to become an expert fisherman.

blog.cat fishing

No? Not clear enough?

How’s this:

Another word for expert fisherman is….

Master.

Baiter.

Get it now?

Our little Guru likes to use soft objects to get his rocks off.

Let me be clear: Nothing really happens.

He’s fixed, so there’s no payoff. Just some Elvis-like pelvic activity and a longing look in his eyes.

blog.cat as elvis

But here’s the thoroughly creepy slightly disturbing part.

He tends to want to practice his baiting skills … around me.

He has a little … fixation.

And this is where the boundaries come in.

We aren’t the first people to have to set a boundary with their Guru.

It happens all the time. Sex, money and/or power get involved, and the human – or in our case, animal – side of the Guru gets activated.

That’s when we Guru followers have to step up and set some limits.

Sex is a natural part of life, so we don’t want to totally curtail his behavior. We’ve just had to channel it in ways that didn’t totally creep me out violate my boundaries.

The Guru now has his own personal sweatshirt that lives by the bureau. This is his Designated Area to practice his baiting skills. And practice his skills he does.

All the time.

Indeed, Melissa and I now have to be careful not to leave our clothes on the floor, as the Guru will immediately rush over to practice his baiting skills on those items.

In effect, his new hobby has made us a lot more tidy.

And what’s that they say?

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Perhaps that was the Guru’s intention all along.

blog.cat with halo

What’s your experience with Gurus and boundaries? Or cats and baiting? Share your comments below!

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6 Responses to My Guru Has a Tail, Episode 12: The Sex Scandal

  1. karenwilliams538171610 June 27, 2017 at 8:50 am #

    Hahahaha — you described this, uh, indelicate act in a hilarious way! No experience here — we have 4 fixed girl cats, and let’s just say they really couldn’t care less. At least I thought that until one of them slipped out the front door and met up with a scruffy fellow in the mandevilla bush. But that’s a story for another time.

    • Melissa Phillippe June 27, 2017 at 12:28 pm #

      Hi Karen, Ha! Yeah, I figured that the female kitties didn’t have this habit. But scruffy fellows in mandevilla bushes are another thing altogether!! Hope everyone emerged okay! XOZ

  2. Michelle Walters June 27, 2017 at 10:10 pm #

    OMG!!! My sides hurt from laughing so much!!! Thank you for giving me some much needed comic relief!

    • Melissa Phillippe June 29, 2017 at 3:47 pm #

      Hi Michelle! Awesome. My work here is done… :) XOZ

  3. Julane June 28, 2017 at 10:35 am #

    Hilarious!!!!! Master. Baiter. 😂😂😂😂.

    Great Post
    💜☮️ julane

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