Are we born grateful? Or is it something we can develop?
Great questions!
Not surprisingly, I have answers to both of them.
Also not surprisingly, I’m going to answer the questions by telling a little story.
When I was in college, I had an experience that left a dark stain on my memory. It started innocently enough. I arrived to my dorm room one night, having put in several hours of studying in the library. It was late when I arrived, so I entered the common room of my four-person suite as quietly as possible.
Soon after shutting the door behind me, I heard talking. One of my roommates, I’ll call her Marcia, was talking on the phone. Marcia’s door was open, so from the common room, I could hear every word.
Marcia was telling her friend that she was feeling lonely at college. She said she had 3 roommates, but two of them weren’t around very much. The other roommate – that would be me – was around more often, but there was a problem. Her third roommate, me, was way too negative.
Marcia was saying that she tried to avoid me as much as possible because I was a bummer to be around.
Whoah.
Up until that moment, no one had ever told me I was negative. Except my parents, and they didn’t count. Hearing this piece of information from my roommate, who was speaking freely without knowing I was there, was shocking.
I couldn’t help but take it in. I was negative?
I wish I could say that, from that moment forward, I changed my negative ways. But I didn’t. Knowing me, I probably turned around and relayed the story to one of my friends in a manner that was, um, less than positive.
I don’t actually remember what I did with the unsolicited feedback I’d received.
Other than nothing.
When I discovered spiritual and personal growth work a few years later, the negativity began to lessen.
I now know that research suggests that everyone is born with a set point somewhere on the optimism/pessimism spectrum. Given that my nickname was “Eeyore” as a kid, coupled with my college roommate’s feedback, you might have a guess as to where I fall on that spectrum.
But – and it’s a big “but.” The research also shows that one’s overall optimism or pessimism is not based solely on their genetic factors. There are many factors that go into one’s overall outlook, and cultivating gratitude is a big huge honkin’ factor in the positive direction.
This has been true for me.
A big part of my transition from Grumpy to Grateful had to do with the cultivation of a gratitude practice.
I started out listing five things I was grateful for every night before I went to sleep. Then Melissa and I got together, and we started doing our gratitude practice together.
Doing the practice together led us to some discoveries. The first one was that we could use gratitude to transform the stuck places in our lives. The second discovery was that we could use gratitude to welcome even greater good into our lives. Our “regular” one-dimensional gratitude practice turned into the three-dimensional practice we now call the OhMyGod Practice.
We started teaching the practice in workshops around the country, and now we’re in the process of writing a book about it. (Estimated publication date is late 2020. We’ll keep you posted!)
But you don’t need to take our workshop or read our book to be grateful now. There are all kinds of way to jump into the gratitude game.
Keeping a gratitude journal is a great start. A common variation of a gratitude journal is to write down a set number of things that went well during the day and why they went well. (This particular practice was part of a research study done out of the University of Pennsylvania. Follow up studies showed that even those participants who discontinued the gratitude exercise continued to report positive results for the next six months.)
Or, if you’re less of a writer and more of a talker, find a gratitude buddy to share gratitudes with. Even if you just share one gratitude a day, fanning the flame of gratitude will spark great results!
No matter where you fall on the optimism/pessimism spectrum, gratitude can turn you into a positive person.
In my case, I went from an Eeyore Negative McNegaton to a Happy-Go-Lucky Gender-Rich Nerd.
If I can do it, so can you!
(You don’t have to be a nerd, or gender-rich. Those parts are optional.)
Bottom line: Gratitude is a skill, one that can be cultivated. No matter where you’re starting from.
Even in a dorm room, hearing someone else talking about how negative you are.
What is your experience with gratitude? Share your comments below!
