What’s your relationship to the word “No”?
Are you best buds, hanging out on the regular, painting the town with your ability to set firm, healthy boundaries?
Or are you and “No” estranged, with little understanding of each other, suspicious and afraid to build a sustainable connection?
I used to be solidly in the latter category. “No” was a bad word to me. I wanted to be kind and helpful at all times. Especially once I discovered the spiritual path, I thought I needed to be open and available to everything and everyone.
Yeah. No.
I’ve since discovered that without a strong “No,” I can’t get to a strong “Yes.” I often need to know what doesn’t work for me to find what does.
Even in my music playlist.
I love to discover new music. The music service I subscribe to allows me to do this in numerous ways. One of my favorite ways is their Fresh Gospel Playlist. The service learns my tastes and preferences and delivers me a long list of new Gospel music every week. If I like a song, I save it to my Favorites list, enabling me to compile a long list of new music I love.
There’s only one problem with this scenario.
When I first discovered the service, I didn’t have a “No.” Not that I said “Yes” to every song I heard, it wasn’t that. But I also wasn’t employing a clear and solid “No.”
When I love a song, I pretty much know it right away. Back when I was still purchasing music the old-fashioned way, my criteria for purchase was this: After hearing a new song, did I immediately wanted to hear it again? If the answer was “Yes,” I purchased it. If the answer was “No,” I didn’t. Clear and simple. This technique left me with a bunch of music I loved to hear, time and time again.
But in the age of music streaming, my criteria got a little muddy.
When listening to my Gospel playlist, “Maybe” came out to play.
Because I didn’t have to commit to purchasing the song, I started “liking” songs I never would have purchased. Which left me with a long list of songs I sorta liked.
My “Maybe” engulfed my “No” and dampened my enthusiasm for the music I was collecting.
Is it possible to be codependent with a music streaming service?
Apparently it is.
It wasn’t like I was worried about hurting the streaming service’s feelings. But my music collecting started to remind me of holding onto a mediocre connection with a romantic prospect in the hopes it will turn into something more. Which, of course, it rarely does.
Finally, I realized what was happening. I had lost my “No”!
Instead of saving songs I kindasorta liked, I employed my old criteria. Do I love it? Do I want to hear it again immediately?
If the answer is “Yes,” it gets saved. If the answer is “No,” it doesn’t.
Now I have a list of music I love listening to, again and again. And I’m not wasting time on “Maybes”, which leaves me more time to find songs I love. What a concept!
Activating my “No” in relation to a music playlist isn’t the most profound of endeavors.
But, to me, it’s a reminder of how important it is to bring my “No” to everything I do, big and small.
As I do, my life gets richer in all areas, big and small.
And for that I have just one word:
YES!
How have you used “No” to get to your “Yes”! Share your comments below!
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Hi Z. You are so right! I did not realize that was the shift I made with my Dad. I started saying NO to being at his beck and YES to me and what made me happy and EVERYTHING CHANGED! Changed for the better. We are getting along great. He is actually expressing love and appreciation to my face and giving me hugs! It is a dream come true that I had basically given up on. And in reading your post, I realize I did that with my music, too. There are some songs from my past and/or present that I enjoy, but not necessarily over and over again. The music I love I do listen to over and over and over and it always lifts me up and brings me pleasure, whether it is one or yours or Karen Drucker’s spiritual songs or a funny country song like Watermelon Crawl. I have not subscribed to a music service because I cannot always say NO when a song is playing as I am driving or washing dishes or whatever. You have inspired me to give it a try. Thanks for being so awesome and always sharing it with us! I love you and Melissa so much!
Hi Pegatha,
What a wonderful experience you had with your dad. Yay for you! And how wonderful that you taking care of your own needs enhanced your relationship with him.
We love you too!!!!! 🙂
XOZ
I have a comment of the Divine NO. It is like going in to buy clothes for some special occasion and then can’t find anything. Then you go to another store and again can’t find anything. And you repeat this usually 1-2 more times… and darn, nothing. I call this the Divine NO!
That day was just not the day for buying clothes. Of course, it could have been a car, or going on a date, or … just make it up! The point is that we seem to get discouraged when the door closes, and it just does not seem to work that day or for that thing.
Instead of getting discouraged, I now see it as a Divine NO! I’ll Try tomorrow or the next day… and move on and have a good day!
Hi Suzette,
Thank you for this. I love the Divine NO. I mean, I don’t always love it when it’s happening, but I totally agree with you!! 🙂
XOZ
This reminded me about getting rid of clothes I hold onto as a maybe I will wear you one day- when I know I will not. That’s been changing and opens me more up for treating myself to a yes- I do need a new sweater that warms my heart not just my body. My personal boundaries have gotten better along with knowing what I really like.
Hi Geri,
Yes, I totally relate to this and have done the same thing with clothes that I never/rarely wear. It opens up the space for the new and allows someone else to have the clothing I wasn’t wearing. I love the image of the sweater that warms your heart as well as your body. Yay!
XOZ
I like this! A wise person once said that if it isn’t a “hell yes!,” it’s a “hell no!”
Sure, “maybe” is a thing too sometimes, but for us wafflers and people pleasers, maybe is a probably a hell no 🙂
Hi Jill,
Yes! Or, Hell Yes! 🙂
XOZ